Parole Officer, The (2001) - Synopsis
Parole officer Simon Garden (STEVE COOGAN) is face-to-face with a management tribunal at which they tell him that he's regarded by his colleagues as "a negative and destructive influence". That he's ineffective there's no doubt: in all his years as a parole officer, he has only succeeded in reforming three of his clients. They are George (OM PURI), a rather charming serial bigamist, Colin (BEN MILLER) a computer hacker-turned-salesman and the nice but thick ex-boxer and fishmonger, Jeff (STEVEN WADDINGTON). Asked to give their view in support of Simon, they agree: he did a good job with them, but he is annoying. Management offer him a job in Manchester, he accepts.
~~~~~~~ WARNING - SPOILER TO FOLLOW ~~~~~~~
His first day on the new job he's riding his bicycle to work when a young joy rider, Kirsty (EMMA WILLIAMS) cruises past him in a stolen Porsche, pursued by a police car. She crashes into an on-coming Mondeo and is knocked unconscious. The impact makes a soft-toy koala bear in the back of the Porsche disgorge ecstasy tablets all over the back seat. The Mondeo driver stops, plants some of the drugs in her pocket, takes the koala and nonchalantly sets fire to the car. Seeing police squad cars arrive on the scene, he suddenly changes tack and pulls Kirsty out of the flames. He introduces himself to the policemen as DI Burton (STEPHEN DILLANE). They think he's a hero who has selflessly saved Kirsty's life.
Arriving at work, Simon meets his first parolee: Kirsty. The bored teenager is more interested in flicking through a gay porn magazine she found in reception than listening to Simon's well-rehearsed pep talk. There's a knock on the door of Simon's office, and he opens it to find Emma (LENA HEADEY), a policewoman who's come looking for Kirsty. Kirsty tries to make a run for it. She is apprehended and interviewed in Simon's office by Emma, Burton and Sergeant Mills (JUSTIN BURROWS). Burton tells Kirsty that if she admits to possession of drugs, they will drop the charges of reckless driving and criminal damage.
After the interview, Simon follows Burton through a crowd of arrested bike protestors who are waving "Let our Children Breathe" placards. Trying to persuade Burton of Kirsty's innocence, he spots the koala bear in Burton's carrier bag, and realises something is wrong. He decides to follow Burton, and Emma directs him to the local lap-dancing club, 'Heaven's Gate': "it's where he gets a lot of his information".
In the club Simon's struck by an attack of hypoglycaemia, which can only be cured by a savoury snack, and he finds himself hiding in a storeroom sucking crisps.
He overhears a heated argument between Burton and the club's owner, Cochran (CLIVE KNELLER) and his accountant, Deacon (JOHN HENSHAW) who want to get out of the cocaine scam they've been running with Burton. To Simon's horror, he witnesses Burton strangling Deacon to death. When a crisp goes down the wrong way, Simon's cover is blown by a coughing fit. Chased by two of Cochran's goons, he makes a run for it up onto the roof. In the skirmish that follows, Simon loses his wallet and plummets into the canal below.
Having slept rough, the next morning Simon visits the police station to report the crime, and is "interviewed" by Burton and Mills. Burton reveals that he planted Simon's wallet close to the recently discovered, decapitated body of Trevor. He gives the parole officer two choices: take the rap for the murder, or shut up and go free.
After a tense goodbye with Emma, Simon packs up his stuff and leaves the job at the parole office, planning to start over again somewhere else. He spends the night in his car and the following morning in a shop window in a small country village, he sees Burton being interviewed on television. The policeman is to receive a police bravery medal for rescuing Kirsty from the burning Porsche. Simon spots his own face on a CCTV monitor in the shop window, and remembers that there was a security camera at the scene of the crime! He returns to the club, but too late - Cochran has just taken the video. Simon trails Cochran to the West Clyde Bank where he deposits the video in a vault.
Simon realises his only hope of proving his innocence is to rob the bank. He returns to Blackpool and visits his three former clients, George, Jeff and Colin. To their amazement, the man who put them on the straight and narrow is asking for their help in a bank job. Eventually, they all reluctantly agree. The three reformed criminals go along with Simon to visit his only other successful case of rehabilitation, a jewel thief and master of disguise called Victor.
Victor's wife Sarah (JENNY AGUTTER) reveals that her husband died in a tragic accident at a food processing plant. He fell into a mincing machine; all that remained of him to bury was half a dozen meat pies and a couple of pasties. Sarah feels sure that her late husband would have wanted to be of assistance, and tells the gang to help themselves to his impressive arsenal of high tech surveillance gear and heist equipment. They leave with everything you could possibly need to rob a bank.
Back in Manchester, George, Colin and Jeff make themselves at home in Simon's new house and set about planning the job. After a recce, they discover that the bank has the security arrangements of Fort Knox and squabble over the best method of getting in and out safely. Then computer expert Colin tells them that he can attack the bank's alarm system with a virus. By disabling the control centre they can set off every alarm in every bank in the city.
Simon visits Emma and invites her to spend the afternoon with him, on a narrowboat on the Rochdale Canal. She convinces him to go to an exhibition of erotic art from around the world instead. Emma encourages him to touch the enormous penis of an African sculpture which will allegedly 'enhance his sexual potency'. He refuses, but while she's in the ladies, he goes to touch it and accidentally breaks off the large phallus. Stuffing it into his trouser pocket to escape detection, he heads off to the sanctuary of the nearest toilet cubicle to figure out what to do, on they way bumping into a very shocked old lady. Security guards come in to apprehend him but he makes good his mistake by faking a bad case of diarrhoea. He and Emma repair the sculpture with a piece of chewing gum.
Back at Simon's house, the gang plan the job in detail. Jeff suggests crawling in through an air vent. There's just one snag: the aperture is barely a foot square. Then they hear a noise - there is a prowler in the house. Jeff goes to investigate and returns with Kirsty, who was trying to sneak off with a portable TV. She begs them to let her join their gang and rob the bank. Simon refuses, until Kirsty points out that she is the only one small enough to crawl through the air vent. The last piece of the puzzle falls into place - Simon now has his perfect gang of four.
Simon and the rest of the gang plan their getaway by joining a meeting of bike protestors, and talks them into agreeing to move their planned protest to Sunday morning - to coincide with the gang's assault on the bank. Meanwhile, Colin plants a virus, cunningly disguised as a particularly enticing pornographic e-mail, in the computerised security system control centre at Titanic Security, which controls most of the alarms in Manchester city centre.
At Simon's house, George demonstrates his latest gizmo: a GOTLER, or George Operated Time Lock Equalising Robot. Constructed from a toy fire engine, fitted with an electro magnet and one of Victor's fish eye surveillance cameras, the GOTLER has been designed to film the access code to the vault's combination lock, and to deactivate the time lock.
Dressed as a businessman and a schoolgirl, Simon and Kirsty visit the bank with the GOTLER concealed inside a large papier-maché pig. They convince the Bank Manager that the pig contains donations to "Saint Simon's Children Home" and he allows them to store it in the vault. As the Bank Manager operates the combination lock, a camera inside the pig records his actions.
Back home, the gang examine the footage and Jeff notices that the combination was written, in full, on the back of the Manager's hand. Unexpectedly, Emma arrives to see Simon. He introduces the policewoman to the apprehensive gang. They pretend, rather unconvincingly, to be Simon's extended family.
Out in the hallway, Simon tells Emma that the others are a voluntary self-help group of ex-parolees. He compliments her on her beautiful knees, and on a sudden impulse she kisses him. All over each other, they fall into Simon's spare room. Emma spots the burglary equipment - a guaranteed passion killer for a police officer. In a panic, Simon explains that he saw Burton killing Deacon. She doesn't believe him, and leaves.
The next day at the station, Emma examines Deacon's personal effects. Then she goes to Burton and demands to know why his number is stored in the memory of the dead man's mobile phone.
At Simon's place, the whole gang helps to prepare a lavish dinner to celebrate their next day's heist. As Kirsty proposes a toast - "to having friends!" - the doorbell rings. Burton is on the doorstep with Mills, Emma and a search warrant. The spare room has been cleared of all the equipment, but that doesn't stop Burton from planting the severed head of the murder victim in Simon's fridge. Kirsty tries to get rid of it by throwing it over the garden fence, but it's retrieved by the dog next door and placed at her feet. The only other place she can think of to hide the head is in a pot on the stove. Burton demands to know what's in it. "Boiled head. "
As the male members of the gang wait in a jail cell for their solicitor, Simon tells a very sceptical Emma about the videotape. She leaves, slamming the door behind her. Elsewhere, Kirsty manages to give a police officer the slip. She steals a van, crashes through the wall of the cell and rescues her friends.
The gang goes ahead with the plan. From the roof of the building opposite the bank, they cross to the other side on a high wire. The virus that Colin downloaded into the central security system kicks into action and alarms ring out all over Manchester. Meanwhile, guests arrive at the Town Hall for The Police Federation Awards Ceremony, where Burton is to be honoured for saving Kirsty's life.
Kirsty crawls through the air vent to the bank. She opens the fire hatch, allowing Simon, George and Colin to enter the building. Jeff waits on the street outside, keeping lookout. Inside, George uses Colin's laptop to operate a circular saw inside the papier-maché pig, freeing the GOTLER.
Outside, Jeff sees a policeman spot the wire between the two buildings. Realising they've been rumbled, he contacts the others on his walkie-talkie. Two police cars pull up outside the bank. Emma and Mills leap out, just as a mass of Bike Protestors sweep around the corner.
In the vault, the GOTLER has disabled the time lock. Simon punches in the code for the combination lock. A light flashes: "Code Invalid". Suddenly a mysterious figure emerges from the shadows - Victor. Very much alive and just in the nick of time. "I thought you might need a bit of help," he says, explaining that while the bank alarm is sounding the door won't open. The gang sit and wait, while downstairs Emma, Mills and the other Police Officers are being let into the bank. As they enter, the alarm stops.
Simon keys in the access code and the vault opens. George cuts open Cochran's deposit box, allowing Simon to finally get the tape. Colin then breaks open a larger box, marked as belonging to D. I. Burton, which contains two huge bags full of cash. Despite Simon's protestations, the gang take the money. Meanwhile, Victor has vanished as quickly and mysteriously as he arrived.
Emma and another policeman are in the lift to the basement when the power fails, stranding them. As the gang rushes along a darkened corridor, Simon realises he's forgotten the tape and has to run back to the vault to retrieve it. As the others make their escape through a window - and Victor strolls casually through the front door disguised as an alarm engineer - Simon finds himself trapped in a bank swarming with police officers. Up on a balcony, with the police closing in, he hides in an enormous light suspended from the ceiling. Without a supply of savoury snacks, hypoglycaemia sets in and he dozes off, only to awaken when a wasp crawls up his nose. He sits up, sneezes the wasp out and into Mills' mouth, fires his crossbow at the wall opposite and swings for freedom. He goes face first into the toughened glass of the bank's window and collapses on the floor. Dazed but conscious, he makes a mad dash for the front doors, only to be confronted by Emma. She nods for him to go on.
Simon hurtles out on to the street, where the bike protest is in full swing, and rejoins the others. In the confusion the gang make their escape on pushbikes. Simon decides to take the incriminating tape to the Town Hall to confront Burton. There he runs into Cochran, the club owner, and is chased by his two goons. He runs toward the main hall, where Burton is waiting to accept his award. The goons trap him in a side office and grab the tape. Seeing red, Simon launches into action hero mode and knocks the hard men unconscious, with the aid of a staple gun, a desk fan and a rubber stamp. "Never mess with an office worker!"
In the corridor, Simon collides with a Senior Police Officer, who is also carrying a videotape. As Simon recovers, Cochran confronts him at gunpoint - only to be knocked out with one swift punch from Jeff. The gang have arrived, with the bag of money from Burton's deposit box. As they march to the main hall, they find themselves suddenly surrounded by policemen. Burton snatches the tape and places them all under arrest. Simon realises that the police officer handcuffing him is Emma. She smiles.
As Burton makes his acceptance speech, Simon bursts into the hall holding a gun to Emma's head. He tells the assembled audience all about Burton, the drug money and the murder. Burton laughs off the accusations - until a video starts playing on a large screen: the CCTV footage of Burton throttling the club's accountant. Victor, disguised as a Senior Officer, had craftily switched the tapes.
Grabbing Kirsty and holding her at gunpoint, Burton demands the money back from the gang. The furious teenager stabs the bent copper with the medal he's just received. Simon enters the fray and Burton aims the gun at his head, pulling the trigger. Nothing. Bullets fall from Emma's hand onto the floor - and she knocks out Burton with a single punch from her and Simon's handcuffed arms.
As policemen uncuff the rest of the gang, Emma reveals that she's lost the key to hers. She and Simon are shackled together, at least until morning. They kiss. Outside the bank, the "Senior Officer" takes Burton's bag of money from a constable. "I'll look after that", says Victor, as he vanishes into the crowd. Simon and Emma kiss. She asks him if he has a gun in his pocket. "No, it's my penis. " As the credits roll, everyone in the Town Hall dances to David Bowie's "Heroes
